The countdown begins...

On Wednesday, I will find out exactly how messed up I really am. I'm excited yet nervous. I mean, I know I have some deep issues that need addressing, but I am scared to really find out what all they are. LOL.

A little background, I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I'm a survivor of abusive relationships. I am a survivor! However, no matter how strong I think I am, I am obviously not that strong. Add to that a history of depression. PPD reared it's ugly head when my twins, now 3, were born. I'm not sure if I really ever got over it because I wasn't able to deal with it fully for lack of insurance. As much as it pains me to admit this, I have no sex drive and my marriage is going down the drain fast.

It took my husband looking me in the eye and point blank telling me, if I didn't start taking care of myself ASAP, things weren't going to turn out nicely. He flat out told me, it's not fair for either of us to live like this and if I wasn't willing to take care of myself and heal myself then he had no choice but to either find someone on the side that would want to spend time with him or leave me. That was the most painful, non-physical slap in the face I could've gotten. There it was, the honest truth. No sugar coating it, no hiding it. As brutal as his honesty was, it was something I needed to hear. I could no longer blame him for the status of our marriage. I needed to accept responsibility for my part in it.

Wednesday, I am going to the doctor. He is a Naturopathic, Chinese Herbalist and Acupuncturist. I trust him. I know my Qi is out of whack. Is it that I am going through early menopause? Maybe. Is it depression? Likely. Is it the fact that getting my tubes tied when the twins were born messed with my hormones? Very possible. Is it all of the above? Most likely. *sigh*

Time will tell...